Five Steps to Increased Intimacy in Your Life
By Nisandeh Neta
Anyone, from an elderly couple celebrating their 40-year anniversary, to people meeting for the first time on a blind date, can create deep intimate relationship.
Not your past experience, nor your opinions and beliefs about intimacy and love are relevant in the creation of deep intimacy in your relationship.
All that matters is your intention and willingness to become intimate.
Intimacy, by both definition and experience, is the connection with, and the knowledge of, another person at their deepest level.
Intimacy is not only an enjoyable experience, but also a profoundly spiritual act. In essence, it is the clearest expression of a permanent state of grace. In being intimate, you experience your own greatness, your authenticity, your freedom.
We, however, tend to take intimacy for granted, believing that when we first fall in love, the intimacy will subsequently follow. Or, equally misguided, we think that as we learn to know another person better, intimacy will automatically manifest itself.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work this way.
Intimacy is both a skill and an art.
It can be taught, practiced and mastered.
This week I was preparing myself for leading a workshop entitled "The Art of Intimacy".
The purpose of the workshop is for people to learn to love themselves, so that they can in turn, love others.
In addition to loving themselves, the workshop also explores the issues of trusting yourself and others, awakening your senses, rediscovering your body and its available pleasures, harmonizing both your masculine and feminine sides, awakening your Wild Self, and being relaxed with who you are, therefore, ultimately enjoying yourself.
I chose to focus on the five elements that assist the building of intimate contact, which I'd like to share with you in this article:
COMMUNICATION
This is the first and foremost element.
In our society, there are so many taboos and subjects 'we do not speak about' concerning intimacy, relating and sex, that we literally become isolated within our own thoughts, conditioning and beliefs.
Establish a direct, honest and open communication and you're on your way to intimacy.
I find 3 methods of communication to be the most effective in the creation of deep and intimate experience: eye-to-eye communication, sensitive touching and verbal communication.
- Eye contact, softly gazing into each other's eyes, without words, allowing your thoughts to flow, and your feelings and body sensations to be present, creates a deep experience of oneness.
- Lovemaking is probably the most powerful communication method. Be aware of your messages. Soft physical touch, flowing and agreeable, creates a deep experience of connectedness.
- >Honest, direct and open verbal communication creates a deep experience of sharing, care and vulnerability.
We need to be present, which means to really be there with our partner, both sincere and focused without distracting agenda. In other words, to be connected spiritually.
For most of us, this is a difficult task.
We may physically be present, but our mind and thoughts can be somewhere else, far, far away.
It takes practice to learn to be present. It's a meditation.
When your partner talks, really listen. Don't be preoccupied with preparing answers in advance in your mind.
When you make love, be there with your body; noticing your breathing, your physical sensations, your feelings.
Whenever you notice your mind wandering away, gently bring it back, to the present.
ACCEPTANCE
Accepting yourself as who you are in the moment, allows you to trust.
Accepting your partner as he or she is in the moment creates safety for your partner to be who he or she is.
To accept doesn't mean to like, to approve or to agree.
To accept just means - 'this is who I am right now and this is who you are.'
It also means 'I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to
mine. I am who I am and you are who you are.'
Acceptance creates space and freedom, which are essential in order for us to experience intimacy.
LIGHTNESS AND FUN
Some people compare intimacy to the speaking of a foreign language. They hope that the experience, may yield a few useful and pleasant results, but then wonder if it is worthy of the continued effort that is required to feel comfortable and close in an intimate situation.
Intimacy doesn't need to be hard work. It can and should be fun and enjoyable.
Be creative. Play around. Try something new.
THERE IS NO FINAL DESTINATION
One of the most efficient killers of intimacy is going somewhere:
- Sex as the end result of intimate dinner
- Orgasm as the end result of lovemaking
- Marriage as the end result of falling in love
Remain open and allow your spontaneity and intuition to lead you... If your intimate life needs a boost, take the initiative, and create an intimacy date.
It can be your lover, partner, spouse or a first-time date.
Allow yourself to experiment with these five elements and without expectations, be open to what the outcome may be.
Remember, you are practicing a new skill, not aiming for a perfect performance...
Enjoy...
Article by Nisandeh Neta
His monthly newsletter "Love and Marriage" delivers immediately usable practices that create more love, happiness, intimacy, fulfillment, self-expression and personal-growth in your marriage.Subscribe today at: http://www.no-problem-marriage-counseling.com
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