Marriage Advice:
How to Talk About Our Sexual Relations?
Question
It is so hard to talk to my partner about our sexual relations.
I don't even know how to begin.
Our Marriage Advice
You are not alone - it's hard for most of us to talk about sex because of the mixed messages we receive from our families and culture and the close tie between sex and our emotions.
Discussions about sex show up more often on the front page or on talk shows than under our own roofs. This public "openness" can lead us to tie our self-image or self-worth to our sexual identity, sexual attractiveness, and sexual performance.
It feels risky to reveal our questions, concerns, or doubts.
We're afraid our partner might judge us, criticize us, make fun of us, even reject us, particularly if expressions of affection and sexuality in our families growing up sparked these kinds of reactions.
The stronger the foundation of trust between you and your partner, the more risks you will both feel able to take.
Here are some beginning guidelines for building that trust and strengthening the lines of communication, including talk about sex:
- Timing - After a tiring day at work or after an argument over the kids - wrong time for a talk.
Find a time that is mutually agreeable when neither of you is hungry, tired, preoccupied, or emotionally drained. - Setting - In a mall, in front of a blaring TV, or around demanding kids - wrong setting for good communication.
Choose a quiet, private place free from distractions. - Tone - "Will you just listen, for once?" "Could you manage not to look at me like that?" - wrong tone.
Unless you want to "win" more than you want to talk, put-downs are out. Being willing to listen without judgment or defensiveness can open and widen the doors of trust. - Feelings - "You're getting mad." "You feel like I'm criticizing you." - wrong approach to feelings.
Say clearly what you are feeling rather than what you think your partner is feeling.
Instead of " You -statements," use " I -statements" ("I feel uneasy"). - "No" - Learn to say and hear this word.
- Time out - Agree on ways to table the discussion when tensions get too high. Keep the door open to later talks.
Don't be discouraged if your entire sexual relationship is not resolved in your first attempt. The goal is to build trust and become comfortable with intimacy - a lifetime project.
