Marriage Advice: My Wife Had an Affair
Question
A couple of years ago, my wife had an affair.
Since then, we've worked on rebuilding trust, but I wonder if I'll ever truly trust her again.
Will there come a time when we won't have to put so much energy into working on trust issues?
Our Marriage Advice
Work on trust issues never ends because relationships are constantly evolving, never static. The level of trust that you feel is part of that evolution.
Clearly, a major violation of the relationship agreement destroys trust. Things will never be the same again (This does not mean that you can never again have a great relationship; it means that you will never again have the same great relationship). To hope and pretend otherwise increases the chances that there will be another violation in the future.
Both of you are grieving the loss of your former, trusting relationship, but it is possible to rebuild the trust and to ultimately build an even stronger partnership.
Apologizing or feeling remorseful and/or forgiving are only temporary fixes.
It is best to acknowledge what happened (no need to include the gory details) and begin to figure out why.
An affair or extramarital sexual experience means something was missing - either in the person who acted and/or in the relationship (In an otherwise blissfully happy individual, being drunk, depressed, vulnerable, or needy may lower inhibitions but does not create the drive to stray).
A partner who feels starved for emotional nourishment, for instance, needs to recognize that hunger and begin to figure out how to find it in the relationship - or sooner or later, starvation will strike again.
If you figure out what the issues are and work through them, an infidelity can actually strengthen your relationship, like a broken bone that becomes stronger where it knit itself back together.
True forgiveness and moving forward can follow.
One more caution: Once trust is lost, rebuilding a relationship is hard - and it hurts. Some experts say it may be at least two years before the trust is largely restored.
So you each need to decide if the relationship is truly worth saving and then commit to doing what it takes.
Good luck!