Marriage Advice:
How to Deal With Anger and Resentment?
Question
I feel a lot of anger and resentment toward my wife.
So that I don't put so much energy into it, I'm moving farther and farther away from her - not physically but emotionally.
What's a better way to deal with all this anger?
Our Marriage Advice
As you've already learned, stored-up anger turns into resentment and hostility. It creates distance. It kills passion.
The short answer is: To release your anger, you need to express it - and then forgive.
I won't say you can do this in six easy steps, but I will suggest six steps that work:
- Tell your wife honestly the SPECIFIC details about your resentment, face-to-face.
- Express yourself fully, even if it means using bad language and/or raising your voice.
- As you speak, pay attention to your feelings, to your physical sensations and to your wife.
- Express any appreciation for your wife that comes up in the process; as you do, pay the same attention to your feelings, body sensations, and your wife.
- Stay with all the feelings that come up - don't judge them.
- Stay in the process until your resentment is gone.
- Create safety. Agree in advance on your purpose; set aside time in a private place.
- Talk face to face; look each other in the eyes.
- Start your sentences as often as possible with the words, "I resent you for..." or "I appreciate you for..."
- Speak in present tense. Even though you are talking about something past, you are resentful right now.
- Stay specific. Don't say "always" or "never." Give details of specific incidents.
- Focus on what did happen instead of what didn't happen.
- Express your feelings as they come up during the interaction.
- Keep exchanging resentments as they come up; eventually you will run out.
- After you both fully express your specific resentments, state your appreciation in the same way.
- Even though you feel loving and inspired after this process, new incidents will create new resentments. Repeat the process as soon as either of you feels the need.
