Do Marriage Counselors Do More Harm Than Good? - part 2
by Larry Bilotta
PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors build a case insisting that the couple has a "sick" relationship. They actually ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by saying things like, "Why SHOULD YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?" These marriage counselors make couples believe that they're being abused, which causes both spouses to draw their only conclusion: "If the professional thinks this is over, then I should too."
UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do is against the code of ethics of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, many therapists still do it. These therapists say phrases like, "You should probably end this marriage." or, "If you're going to stay sane, you should move out." Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to sever their relationships with family members and spouses.
If you're looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists' values by asking questions like these:
1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated in working with couples?
Bad Answer: College educated.
Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speak convincingly about how their program saves marriages.
2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. helping a couple break up?
Bad Answer: "It's not my decision. Couples have to make their own decision." (This is an evasive answer...not a good sign.)
Good Answer: "I help couples find ways to stay together and help them understand and overcome their problems."
3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and the other wants a divorce?
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Bad Answer: "I try to get people to understand their own feelings." (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)
Good Answer: "This is normally what I see with couples. I have ways to help them both handle this in positive ways."
4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?
Bad Answer: "I find working with husbands and wives individually to be more practical."
Good Answer: "All of it. When both people are with me and following my process, I find they have the greatest success rate."
5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and have a better marriage in the end?
Bad Answer: "100%" or "I don't keep that type of information."
Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while the rest drop out of my process and are unwilling to finish.
The difference in the answers you receive from marriage counselors is the feeling you get when you talk with them. Bad answers feel evasive or vague while good answers are confident and positive.
Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently screen marriage counselors, separating the GOOD from the bad. But if you're hesitant about bringing a marriage counselor into your marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the answer you're looking for.
Related Articles: How To Choose A Marriage Counselor Seeing A Marriage Counselor Is Not Admitting Defeat... It's Admitting There Is Hope |
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