How Optimism Can Help - Or Hurt - Your Marriage - part 2
by Dr. Tony Fiore
However, two pessimists married to each other place their marriage in jeopardy because when an untoward event occurs, a downward spiral may follow.
Pessimistic scenario
Unlike Optimists, pessimistic partners make permanent and pervasive explanations to themselves when bad events occur. (Conversely, they make temporary and specific explanations to themselves when good events occur.)
See what happens when Susie is late coming home from the office. Husband Jim explains to himself that "she cares more about work than about me!" Susie explains to herself Jim is sulking because "he is ungrateful for the big paycheck I bring home!" and tells him so.
Jim defends himself by saying: "You never listen to me when I try and tell you how I feel!" Susie, being a pessimist, responds: "You're nothing but a crybaby!"
Optimistic Scenario
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Either partner could have stopped this negative spiral by interpreting events differently. Jim could have interpreted Susie's lateness as a sign of what a hard worker she is and noted she is usually on time. Jim could have seen that her lateness had nothing to do with her love for him, remembering all the times in the past that Susie has put his needs first.
Susie if she had been an optimist could have seen that Jim's sulking was a temporary state rather than a character flaw and tried to pull him out of it by pointing out that she really wanted to get home earlier, but her big account unexpectedly dropped by at 5 o'clock.
The optimistic marriage
The message is clear from both clinical experience and research; optimism helps marriage. When your partner does something that displeases you, try hard to find a believable, temporary, and specific explanation for it, i.e.: "He was tired;" "She must really be stressed," instead of "He's always inattentive," or "He's a grouch."
On the other hand, when your partner does something great, amplify it with plausible explanations that are permanent (always) and pervasive (character traits), i.e.: "She is brilliant," or "She is always at the top of her game," as opposed to "The opposition caved in," or "What a lucky day she had."
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