Marriage Self Help Books - part 1
by Nola Redd
I practically dove into marriage self-help books at some point during our engagement, seeking help before any problems arose. Maybe I should have brought one to the wedding. Maybe I shouldn't have brought one on the honeymoon. Who knows? But even they don't seem to help us, they help me, and that's what matters.
After reading more books than my husband prefers, I can say with confidence that the general message behind them is the same. The most important rule is the one your mom taught you before a playdate - "Be nice." They also teach, "Don't say things in anger." My personal favorite, of course, is "Don't yell." If I don't yell, what do I should I do with my anger, turn my head into a cartoon volcano with lava flowing out my ears?!
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Of course, the books teach you how to communicate without yelling, insulting, or speaking profanity next. The material resembles the Psychology 101 course I took in college. "Use 'I' statements, not 'you' statements." "Rate your feelings and the importance of the issue on a scale of one to ten." "No namecalling." I know all of these things, but I wish I could do a straight download to the brain. Actions may speak louder than words, but both are murder to change. Not only that, but when I start saying in a level voice, "I feel angry because when..." my husband mimcs, "I don't like it when YOU use those stupid 'I' statements!" Well, that ends that discussion.
Next comes my favorite line, the infamous, "Go on a date every week once you get married. At least go out once a month." This worked great when we only had the two of us to worry about. Now we have three small children. Do you know what a babysitter costs? If my husband and I take a limo to eat steak and go to a private screening of a movie, we have still paid the sitter more than we spent going out. Right now, our date budget limits us to dollar movies and Mickey D's dollar menu. We haven't figured out how to convince the sitter to go on the dollar plan. Hopefully, we'll come up with something before our kids turn into teenagers and make the whole point moot. At least then, our oldest daughter can watch her siblings for free.
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Marriage Self Help Books
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