Having Marriage Problems?
You know when you have marriage problems
(at least, one of you does):
"We never make love anymore."
"I just need more attention / space / help / free time" (pick one).
"Work / you / the kids / the house / your friends are driving me nuts."
You feel your marriage zigzagging down the road toward Crisis (a small town in the Midwest).
You don't feel like laughing about it, either.
The good news is:
Marriage problems don't automatically mean the relationship has gone sour.
Every honeymoon ends.
Every marriage eventually runs into challenges.
(Those friends of yours who have a "perfect marriage" just don't talk about their marriage problems.)
When two human beings hook up for life, differences are not only inevitable but natural. And, as you now know by now - difficult.
Once you recognize you have marriage problems, what do you do?
Maybe you are that one in a million enthusiast who thrives on problem solving. "Yippee!" you shout. "This is great! Another chance to grow!"
More likely, you are one of the 999,999 who starts trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix these marriage problems.
In a marriage, most partners believe that the fix for all marriage problems is obvious: Your partner needs to change!
Then you'll be right back on your honeymoon, when everything was magical and romantic and fun.
The bad news is:
Your partner doesn't want to be "fixed." And neither do you.
Maybe one of you, in desperation, comes up with the trendy idea of working on your relationship. But neither of you has any idea what that means or how to do it.
What not to do (or keep doing) is leap into the bottomless void called Reacting that most couples with marriage problems fall into:
You or your partner says (or does) something.
The other gets upset and says (or does) something in return.
Now the first partner gets upset and says (or does) something back...
And there you are in the pit, both of you miserable and confused.
In the pit, here's what most couples with marriage problems do and say (always with exclamation points!):
- Blame each other ("You ruined our weekend!" "You make me sick!")
- Label or criticize each other ("You're lazy!" "You're so cold!" "You only care about yourself!" "You're too needy!")
- Get defensive or try to prove each other wrong ("That's your problem!" "You never do it right!")
- Avoid the issue ("I don't want to talk about it - end of discussion!" "I don't know what you're talking about!")
- Generalize and go to extremes ("I'm always cleaning up after you!" "You never listen to me!")
Any of this sound familiar?
Probably so, even if at this point you're only saying things like this in your mind.
Who wouldn't, when they're upset?
But be careful - these behaviors can put your relationship on that rocky road to Crisis and total it.
Then even the best mechanic can't fix it.
If you are already on the road or about to turn onto it, shut off your engine - now!
You can turn it back on when you've got a better map.
Here's a surprise :
We're not going to recommend therapy for your marriage problems.
You don't need an outside fix. You need new skills!
(You may need to throw out your old relationship toolbox altogether and fill it with brand-new understandings and strategies.)
You can learn new ways to polish up your marriage and keep it as shining and strong as ever, and probably shinier and stronger. Because it really begins to glow when the two of you together learn how to deal with your marriage problems and challenges.
Here are a few strategies to put in your new toolbox.
They are not complex, and you can start using them right now to help you solve your marriage problems.