Handling Change Before it Becomes a Problem in Marriage
People are going to change, whether they marry or not.
The trick is to ensure that change doesn't lead to a problem in marriage
A problem in marriage can occur when partners grow in different directions. If not worked though, "irreconcilable differences," as they're called in legal settings, can lead to divorce.
Most of us are familiar with this scenario, or have gone through it. The happy couple starts out in harmony, then, as they go through life together, with career, children and other outside aspects, their needs change.
Sometimes people grow in different directions. Or one partner might be stagnant, while the other is growing.
This leads to problems with the marriage. While fights are about surface things, deep down is fear of change.
In our workshops, whenever participants bring up a problem in marriage, our first question is typically "deep down, what is it you're truly afraid of?"
And many times, the answer comes back: "He/she is not the same person I married and that scares me, that we've drifted so far apart."
Typically, it's a true answer. As people move through life, whether they're married or single, they're going to change.
But change doesn't have to mean a problem in marriage. You don't need to drift far apart, just because one or the other of you is going through change.
To do this, you need to understand and accept the idea that you both are going to change as you move through life together. Sure, there will be physical changes. But there will be emotional changes, too. The more you accept the change, the more you become adaptable -- and the less it creates a problem in marriage.
No, that person you married won't be the same person you met and dated. Sometimes you'll approve and embraced the changes. Sometimes you won't be too thrilled with them. However, once you accept that they're part of your overall relationship package, change that either of you goes through ceases to be a problem in marriage.