Relationship Advice:
My Wife Lost the Passion for Our Marriage
Question
For some reason my wife seems to have lost the passion for our marriage.
She no longer calls me by any terms of endearment. She doesn't say she loves me. I have to practically force her to kiss me.
I have asked her what is going on. She says nothing.
I have tried many times to get her to talk to me about what is happening. She says nothing.
She refuses to go to counseling.
When I try to talk to her about the distance that has come between us, she gets angry and says that there is nothing wrong and that she doesn't want to talk.
I'm at my wits end. Any relationship advice?
Our Relationship Advice
When this happens in your relationship, there are some deep issues up for your partner, and some deep needs that are not being met. Something is going on that she dislikes intensely but that she does not know what to do with or how to heal.
She feels a need and a desire to expand out of old patterns, her own and those that are in the relationship, but she doesn't know how to do so or what steps to take. What she does know is that whatever used to be, who she used to be, and how the relationship was set up isn't working for her anymore. She might feel trapped.
At times like these, it is appropriate, if this has been going on for a long time, to give her two options.
You can express that this is what you think may be going on, as mentioned above, and that, as you see it, if this feels right to you to do so, you both have a couple of choices:
- ask her if she wants to let the relationship go, and if, after truly discussing it and the answer is yes, then support one another in each one finding and starting a new life, without anger.
- find out what is making her feel angry and trapped and let her know that you are willing to work through it together, to see what it is that you may also need to change.
If she isn't able to share with you, she isn't feeling safe. Are you able to listen to her without getting upset, and just create a safe place for her to vent her feelings?
If not, then let her know that you haven't been able to do that in the past, but you feel that it would be a good thing if you both could talk in a safe environment.
Let her know you want her to feel safe, and that you are willing to do what you need to help her feel safe, maybe using a good mediator or a counselor.
If she isn't willing to do this, there isn't much you can do other than:
- let the relationship go; or
- go to counseling on your own to get some support and learn some ways to handle what is going on for you during this time. You may also discover some important issues for yourself that you need to deal with that will help the relationship. The best thing you can do is get clear yourself and find ways to deal with what is happening in a good way.
Any issue can be faced and solved, and difficult emotions can be released.
The first step is to have the insight to discover what it really is that's going on, and then to have the courage to deal with it and make the changes needed, within oneself, and in the relationship.
Both of you may find that there are old behavior patterns that just don't feel good and aren't working anymore. These can be transformed.
We hope this relationship advice helps...