Relationship Advice: Lies - It's Ruining My Marriage!
Question
My husband has deceived me in the past - he has lied about an extramarital relationship and several minor incidents.
Is the ability to lie to someone you supposedly love a part of your character, something you can't overcome?
I need your relationship advice!
Our Relationship Advice
If your husband can lie to you without feeling any guilt or remorse then you need to ask yourself, does he really love you?
You haven't elaborated on what the minor incidents were, so it is difficult to come to a conclusion that your husband may have a serious problem and may need psychological help.
Our relationship advice has two sides:
First relationship advice: you need to sit down with your husband and find out what made him have an affair in the first place.
Second relationship advice: you also need to look at you yourself. Have you changed over the years? Can your husband be open and honest with you without him being afraid he will only be criticized by you. If not, then he may turn to someone who is willing to listen to him without criticism.
People lie for many reasons, which vary with the circumstances and individual. Some may lie because they want to hurt you, because they hope to protect you, or because they feel ashamed of their behavior. The reasons are endless. A person CHOOSES to lie. Nobody is born a liar.
Surely during your courtship you would have picked up if it is in your husbands character to lie. Something has changed negatively in your marriage for your husband. He needs to be open and tell you exactly what it is that has changed.
A major reason why 70% of long-term relationships experience an infidelity at some point is that intimacy in the marriage has dropped to such a point that one or both partners are lonely, longing to share their inner selves with someone safe.
Often it is a sad paradox that the more important a relationship becomes, the more difficult it is to be emotionally vulnerable (and more intimate). In other words, the more important a relationship is and the more each partner needs the other's approval, the more difficult it becomes to be honest - to disclose core aspects of yourself to your partner.
Even where there's been no infidelity, a couple is always dealing with issues of trust and intimacy; as a relationship evolves, both are always increasing or decreasing. To move intimacy in a positive direction and to build trust, partners need to take emotional risks with each other by being vulnerable and sharing parts of themselves that are difficult to reveal.
Unfortunately, over time, one or both partners often feel less and less able to share and reveal themselves. Might sharing this feeling hurt my partner? If I share this thought, might my partner like me less? Might I lose their respect? Might they actually leave me?
Talk to your husband and try to resolve the problem and if that doesn't work then you both are going to need some professional help. The best place to start is to go see a Marriage Counselor.
We hope this relationship advice helps...
