Relationship Advice: Marriage Gone Sour!
Question
We've only been married for 18 months and all we do is fight.
I can't believe things can start out so good and fall apart so fast.
We dated for two years and I thought we were so in love.
Now we can't even agree on what to eat for dinner or when (and if) to have sex - I'm totally miserable.
When I got to work this morning, I looked up numbers for divorce lawyers. What should I do?
Our Relationship Advice
Many couples find that the day-to-day routine is what causes the marriage to turn sour. There is no mystery any more. The marriage becomes boring and begins to fall apart.
If you think this may be the reason, you need to make a few changes in your marriage.
Be spontaneous and try to do things differently. You can have turns to decide what to prepare for dinner. Have a picnic or a barbeque in the backyard instead. Dress up for dinner once in a while, play some romantic music and enjoy your dinner by candlelight.
Sex doesn't have to happen at 10pm when you are both in bed. Surely before you were married you did it anywhere and anytime. Maybe before you went out for dinner, early in the morning and even in the shower.
It could also be a power struggle. There could be personal issues, which need to be resolved. When you feel overpowered, you become angry and that makes you defensive. When the other does not behave as we would like or need him or her to, we feel pain, injustice, disappointment, bitterness and anger. We feel these emotions because we need the other in order to feel worthy and secure.
The both of you need to find out where this anger is coming from and face the issues behind the conflict in order to find your happiness and inner peace.
You need to work together and heal each other, if you desire to grow personally and create any healthy relationship - with one another, or with someone else. The same issues will come up, wherever you go, until they are healed.
Many couples experience a real shock after they are married. They suddenly realize that they no longer have the freedom they used to have. They have to answer to somebody else all the time and that makes them frustrated.
At least once every 2 to 3 weeks you should have a friends night out. That gives you something to look forward to and everybody will be happy!
You need to love and respect each other. Love understands and forgives. You both deserve a happy life - only your ego and your fears obstruct you.
Here are a few more suggestions to find love and happiness in your marriage again:
- Perform daily a positive projection technique in which you visualize the other in light and a relationship of communication, love and understanding.
- Work on your own self-acceptance and self-confidence.
- Communicate in depth at least once a week. It is better if it is the same day and time each week so as to keep that time free.
- Learn to communicate complaints and anger with "I messages" and "active listening" - as needs, without criticizing or hurting the other. Simply explain what you need from him or her and ask if he or she can respond.
- Bring to mind each day three positive qualities of the other, and when you can, share them with him or her.
- Create common activities, which you enjoy. If you have children, try to find time to be alone together occasionally.
- Be alone occasionally in order to rejuvenate your relationship with yourselves and each other.
- Express your love for the other in various ways such as with flowers, cards, gifts and actions.
