Relationship Advice:
Parenting Styles - His Way or My Way!
Question
My husband and I have been together for 15 years.
We have a four-year-old daughter.
Recently it has become apparent that we have very different styles of parenting, particularly with regards to discipline.
When our daughter was a baby, my husband was very patient (more than me actually!) He was terrific with her.
But as she grew - and particularly as she began to "talk back" - he became more and more withdrawn from active parenting.
My husband thinks I'm too "soft" with her. He seems to find it easier to shout and threaten her with spanking to get compliance. This of course just frightens her and puts me in a position I don't want to be in. I end up comforting her from her father's verbal abuse.
The result - she receives no discipline for her wrongdoing and learns nothing.
How can I get him to be more open to suggestions because right now he doesn't seem to want to try anything different and I'm worried he will lose a very important relationship in his life. The one with a very special little gift - his daughter.
Our Relationship Advice
Your husband either does not know how to discipline his daughter and is too proud to say so OR he just too lazy to find out! He is taking the easy way out, a way which many parents are guilty of taking.
There are endless ways to discipline children; we just have to find out what they are. The question is, why is he so resistant to finding some?
Many parents who shout and yell at their children are doing it, to make themselves feel better. It's a way of releasing their anger for whatever wrong the child has done. What they don't realise is that the child does not learn his/her lesson, they become afraid and will more than likely do it again.
Have you tried to show him other ways in which you could discipline her?
Tell him that it is okay to admit that he needs your help.
You may be surprised to find out how willing he will then be to learn.
I think that it's important that your response to your husband be one of support - that you understand how challenging raising a child can be.
There are going to be many more challenges each of you will have to face in the future.
The question is, will you both face them with resistance and fear, or a willingness to grow and learn from these challenges? If you choose to go with growing and learning, then one will have look at oneself and one's issues, learn from mistakes and move on.
Men generally do have a different approach to raising children.
They offer a sterner set of rules and responsibility than women do.
Women on the other hand are extremely emotional beings. Mothers cannot find it in their hearts to really scold a child and they can only really be upset for a short while.
A man's approach does deserve some credit, for it is an important part of the balance of raising a child. You don't want to be too soft, or too hard, and men and women can help one another find this balance.
If it's too soft, you end up with a spoiled child who is out of control, insensitive to others, and manipulative. If it's too hard, you get a child who becomes angry, resistant or withdrawn.
You need to find out where your own apprehension is coming from.
Do you have any beliefs that "the man" will not treat "the child" fairly or that men cannot be trusted in raising children? If so, where does that come from?
If you have that belief, you will tend to take over the raising of your daughter, shut your husband out and not allow his input (so why should he bother at all).
This will definitely distort the balance in your relationship.
You will see his input as threatening and incorrect, whether it is or not.
Your constant criticizing of him will destroy his confidence and self esteem.
He is bound to feel like a total failure as a father.
You need to get rid of this fear in YOURSELF and you will see how things will change for your family.
Parenthood is never an easy job; it is a very ungrateful and underpaid job. Nevertheless it is certainly the most challenging and the most rewarding one there is. So enjoy it!
You can help your husband by first acknowledging the fact that he is actually aware of the problem, but is scared of doing something else.
It is always scary to change our ways, especially when the way we have been always doing it give us the desired results.
Also remember that most of us find it very difficult to admit it when we are wrong and find it even more difficult to ask for help or advice.
Find out what his intentions are regarding this distance he has created between your daughter and himself. Is he deliberately doing this or is it out of his control?
Point out to him the price he is going to pay.
Your daughter is growing older and soon she is going to become a teenager. Most teenagers treat their parent like aliens from another planet.
Now is the time to spend as much time as he can with her; teach her good values and most of all love her like a father should love his daughter.
Once he is willing to face the fact that although his methods are "working" for him it also has side effects, you can ask him if he is willing to find other methods that don't have these kind of side effects.
Surely your husband doesn't want to have his daughter remember him as this awful tyrant who yelled at her all the time. She will only grow up to hate him.
And above all remember that you can never change someone else, they must want to change! You can give them all the right tools but they must want to use them!
