Relationship Advice: Unloved and Lonely
Question
My husband and I have been married for 36 years and have four beautiful children. They are all grown up now and have, "left the nest", so to speak.
I have given all that I can humanly give to my husband but somehow he is really selfish and thinks only of himself. I am not fully satisfied sexually and I am not sure that I have ever been.
Do not misunderstand me. I love my husband very much. He is a very hard working man, a really good father to his children and has been a good provider.
He is introverted and never likes to go out or do anything socially. On the other hand I enjoy getting together with friends and doing things. Not him! He is satisfied if I go alone.
I have reached my age where I need a companion at my side, at home and socially.
I am lonely. Any relationship advice?
Our Relationship Advice
Unfortunately there is nothing much that you can do to change him.
He has lived a content life so far. Life doesn't change automatically from what it has been just because you're older and "did your duty".
You had 36 years to let your husband know that you were unhappy and sexually unsatisfied. You are the one who wants to make changes to YOUR life. You never had problems before or maybe you were too busy to complain about anything.
Now that you have all the time in the world, you want to start making changes.
It sounds as if you bought into the program that says you have to sacrifice your life for your husband and children. You kept on with that same dynamic for a long time. You basically allowed him to become who he is today and you are feeling resentful now?
Do you expect him to become the man you fell in love with, before the kids arrived, overnight?
Sounds as if you thought, wait until the kids are grown and then you'll have your life back.
You've been married to your husband for all these years. You knew what kind of a person he was, what he was capable and not capable of doing, and you agreed to be with him just as he was. That was a choice made by YOU.
Our relationship advice is that now it's up to YOU to find the fulfillment you are seeking.
In some ways this man fulfilled your needs - he was a good father, provider, etc. In other ways he didn't.
You lived happily with that for many years or maybe you were just too busy raising your children to notice.
Now, it sounds as if you are ready to experience what life has to offer.
You are ready to be yourself. That's called the individuation process.
You are choosing to become your own individualized self.
It also seems that you are ready for a new stage in your life.
If you want your partner to join you on that path, you need to see what HE would like to do.
In order to avoid disappointments, our relationship advice is, that you better clear up your expectations and see what are your partner's expectations. What are HIS dreams, what would he like to do with the rest of his life.
If these aspects of yourself, which you are growing into, are not areas that he can participate in with you, or chooses not to, then you have some options to consider. A few are listed below:
go out with friends or by yourself to get what you need.
leave him and find someone else who can fulfill all your needs.
speak the truth. Tell him what you want. Talk to him and see if he is agreeable to you getting your needs met by other men sexually or otherwise.
be honest with him, and see if he is willing to liven up your sex life with sexual counseling, books, classes or maybe the easiest - our e-mail course - the Art of Lovemaking, and if he is open to being more adventurous.
Be open, honest and truthful.
If your husband agrees to try and change his ways and does change then you can grow old together.
If not, then you have the right to find appropriate ways to fulfill yourself.
This does not mean that it is over for you and your husband.
On the contrary - he may be the best person that can help you find yourself.
He knows you best, as he has been at your side for the last 36 years. He knows your strengths and weaknesses and can probably tell you a thing or two about yourself that you may not be aware of.
It is always easier to see the fuller picture when you are from the outside. This also could bring you both closer.
Find out what it is that YOU like to do, what gives YOU pleasure, what is YOUR passion in life. What you make of your life and what you experience is up to you - it does not depend on anyone else.
Now that the children are out of the way, after so many years, it is a golden opportunity to get to know each other again. For many years you looked at each other as "Father" and "Mother" and not as partners and lovers.
How about getting to know the man who has been with you for so long, from the beginning? You might end up "falling in love" with him again...
We hope this relationship advice helps and... Good luck!