How To Save Your Marriage - part 1
by Kaveh Nayeri, MS
Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a way, like starting a business you've always wanted to own or a university program you've always wanted to enter.
It may be relatively easy to begin but it is almost guaranteed to be very challenging to stay with it for the long-term and make it a success.
Which one do you think is harder? Being successful in your marriage? In your education? Or in your career?
They are all challenging to achieve for most of us. Yet they are also goals that most of us pursue or dream about. Not everybody wants to get married but most adults want to have some form of love relationship that feels good and is right for them. And the topics in this article apply to all intimate and significant relationships, not just marriages.
Indeed the drive to form and maintain a successful love relationship seems to be consistently strong in most adults. And I have observed this repeatedly in my work as individual and couples therapist.
At the same time our 50 % + divorce rate clearly communicates the message that making our love relationship last and flourish is difficult.
If we add to the high occurrences of divorce, the numerous unhappy marriages out there in which the partners feel hopelessly stuck my point becomes even more clear.
In my work as a mental health clinician I have seen marital and relationship discord often. And as a husband in an 11-year marriage I have felt the severe pains of marital crisis.
Along the way I have formed some wisdom on ways to understand, preserve, and improve your marriage. I teach these in a workshop called "All About Love" and will present them in this article. Also you can log onto my website at www.loveyoursoul.com for additional information.
Please keep in mind that most of the advice I am providing below apply and are suggested to both you and your partner even if I do not always mention him or her. However in the event that your significant other is not willing to follow this advice, I suggest that you do them on your own and invite your partner to join you as soon as possible.
1. EXPECT RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
All or most marriages run into small and large problems eventually. Some marital problems can be anticipated and avoided. Others cannot be foreseen and must be faced, worked through, and resolved by both partners.
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Marital crisis is often very painful to go through. But that does not mean that the marriage should be ended.
Conflicts are often tests of the strength of the love relationship. These are tests that both partners must take and pass before the marriage can graduate to a higher level of mutual satisfaction.
Your marital problem should tell you that there are some things that you have not understood about your partner and vice versa. You may also have lost hope for the relationship and neglected each other's needs.
There is work to be done by each of you. It will probably be hard work but it is also required work to help resolve your marital conflict and for each of you to grow personally.
2. OBTAIN OUTSIDE HELP
The pain and complexity of marital crisis often handicap the couples' ability to resolve the problem on their own. It is important that you start receiving couples counseling soon after the crisis begins because the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to save the marriage.
You should treat the crisis as a relationship emergency and act right away to get all the help you need.
It is important that you find a therapist who has the experience, knowledge, and motivation to treat marital problems. Also you and your partner should collaborate in order to choose a therapist who seems right for treating your marriage.
Also there are many organizations that provide relationship services. You can locate them through the internet, the phone book, your church, etc. I like the services advertised on the websites: imagorelationships.com and embracemarriage.com.
In addition you can request help from mature friends or relatives that you trust. Their help can be valuable and may include sharing their own experiences with marital problems, listening to you, or offering other support.
3. UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER
Read the end of
How To Save Your Marriage
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