How To Save Your Marriage - part 2
by Kaveh Nayeri, MS
You must work hard to understand and change what is bothering your partner in the relationship. Chances are that even though your partner loves you there are significant and persistent problems he or she sees in you. And your partner may have lost hope for the relationship because of them.
You need to better understand your partner's perception of these problems. It may be that your partner has a lot of dislike or fear for a certain problem. This fear was probably developed before you knew each other.
The persistence of these problems in you can be severely disappointing your partner even if they do not seem to be major issues to you.
For example your partner may have a large need for your time and affection because he/she was severely deprived of this in childhood and past relationships.
Your partner could be feeling hurt and disappointed in the relationship because this need has been misunderstood or neglected. The solution in this case would be for you (and your spouse) to become aware of the high importance of regular affection for him/her and to make sure the marriage takes care of this need.
If you identify these types of problems and work hard to resolve them, your loved one is likely to feel better about the relationship.
As usual this works both ways and you can ask your partner to do the same for you.
4. PRAY FOR THE MARRIAGE
Spirituality and regular prayer are powerful ways that can help you and your spouse heal your damaged relationship. It is important that you pray for your partner as well as for yourself. You can also ask God to help and heal your marriage.
There is a lot of variety and choice of spiritual practices. I suggest that you find and practice one that fits with your beliefs and feels right for you.
Spiritual strength could give you both the patience, peace of mind, understanding, love, and forgiveness that is often necessary to work your way out of marital trouble.
5. TOLERATE THE EMOTIONAL PAIN
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Marital crises often involve severe emotional pain for both partners. You or your spouse may feel very depressed, angry, terrified, confused, hopeless, etc.
Many people end their marriages because they do not want to tolerate these pains or because they believe that the marital problems will never go away.
But the old saying: "No Pain, No Gain" often holds true for marriages and most marital problems can be solved if both partners are willing to put in the necessary work.
Counseling, spiritual practice, and if needed, medication can help relieve some of your emotional pain. But often much of the pain brought on by marital crisis must be tolerated until the marital wounds are healed.
You and your partner need to understand and accept that you are wounded emotionally and that the healing process may be slow and gradual.
Not all marriages or relationships deserve to be saved. And not all emotional pain associated with a relationship should be tolerated to preserve it.
Extreme situations for example when one partner is regularly physically abusing the other and is refusing to seek professional help may require divorce or a break-up to solve the problem.
But emotional injury caused by typical marital conflicts can often be treated and healed. However this process typically involves emotional pain and your ability to tolerate and live with this pain is a valuable skill.
I often tell my clients "Happiness is on the other side of the pain".
In order to better understand and save your marriage you must work your way through and past the body of emotional pain that is blocking your way to marital happiness.
And if you do this work successfully your marriage will arrive at a new, higher grounds, where you can both feel free of pain and full of relationship joy, love, and appreciation of the meaning of marriage.
Copyright (c) Kaveh Nayeri, MS
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