Sex Advice:
My Wife Think It's Sick for Me to Masturbate
Question
How can I make her understand that it's normal?
Our Sex Advice
It's perfectly normal to masturbate. We repeat: It's totally, completely, utterly normal to masturbate.
There's an old joke: 97 percent of all men and women masturbate - and the other 3 percent are lying.
Masturbation is our original sexuality. It's one of the first ways children learn to experience physical pleasure. Left to themselves, children are enthusiastic masturbators. Why not? It's such fun. They stop (or go underground and do it only in secret) largely because sex-negative adults in their lives prohibit it.
Later in life, when people get into sexual relationships, some think it's wrong to continue masturbating, that it's no longer necessary. That's like saying there's no reason to go to the movies once you get a VCR. The fact is that while both masturbation and partner sex are sexual, the two experiences are quite different - just as the big screen and the TV screen are different.
As wonderful as partner sex in a loving relationship can be, it also involves responsibilities. You have to be sensitive to your lover, provide him or her with pleasure as well as receiving it yourself, and possibly make sexual compromises for the sake of your lover's happiness. But in masturbation, there's no one else to take into account, no one making any demands on you. You simply please yourself. And that can feel wonderful - even if you're in a fabulous relationship.
Is masturbation harmful to physical health?
No. According to the Kinsey Institute, it causes no illnesses and does not "wear out" the genitals, change their sexual sensitivity, or limit future ability to respond sexually. It does not change the genitals permanently in any way, neither enlarging nor shrinking the penis, nor altering the size, shape, or color of the clitoris or vulva.
The only time a man might be well advised not to masturbate for medical reasons is if he is sub-fertile and trying to conceive a child. In such cases, men are advised to forego ejaculation for a few days before attempts at impregnation to build up the number of sperm in their semen.
The only time a woman might be well advised not to masturbate for medical reasons is if she is pregnant and has reason to be concerned about miscarriage or prematurity. It's possible that orgasm might trigger labor. But for women with medically uncomplicated pregnancies, it's fine to masturbate, just as it's fine to enjoy partner sex.
Is masturbation harmful to mental health? No - unless you've been indoctrinated that it's a sin, in which case you might experience anxiety. I hasten to mention that an excellent treatment for anxiety is - guess what. No doubt you already know first-hand, as it were, that masturbation is calming. Many people say they do it as much for release of daily stress and tension as for specifically sexual gratification.
On the other hand, if you were raised in a faith that condemns masturbation, the physical gratification of solo sex might not be worth the anxiety generated by doing something you've been brought up to believe is sinful. Consider your own beliefs, and then make up your mind.
Can one masturbate "too much"? There is no frequency that's inherently "too much." Plenty of folks masturbate daily, some even more frequently while living happy, productive lives. The issue is not frequency, but rather context. Ask yourself why you're masturbating. If you do it for personal communion, enjoyment, and stress management, there's nothing wrong with it. But if you find that masturbation interferes with things you need to accomplish - notably work, school, or maintaining relationship or family commitments - then it might become too much of a good thing.
Some people believe that for those in sexual relationships, masturbation is a form of "unfaithfulness." We disagree. Masturbation is our original sexuality. We've all done it for years - maybe decades - before we even met our lovers. Partner sex doesn't replace masturbation. It complements it. Why give up chocolate cake once you've discovered apple pie? One pleasure doesn't replace the other.
Many psychologists say you can't love another until you learn how to love yourself. We'd expand that to say: You can't have good sex with another until you learn to have good sex with yourself. In fact, in sex therapy for such common problems as premature ejaculation in men and inability to have orgasms in women, masturbation is a fundamental part of the treatment program.
Can masturbation interfere with partner sex? Possibly - if the sexual fulfillment a frequent masturbator derives from solo sex means less energy for and interest in partner sex. While we support lifelong, enthusiastic masturbation, we also believe that lovers who are committed to each other need to work out a sexual frequency they can both live with comfortably. It's reasonable to curtail masturbation somewhat in the interest of maintaining a happy relationship. But in our opinion, it is unreasonable for one member of a couple to try to prohibit the other from masturbating altogether. People have every right to masturbate, and there's nothing wrong with it at any age or in the context of having a relationship.
It's also possible that a loss of sexual energy blamed on frequent masturbation is actually due to something else. Most couples that fall in love spend six months to two years enjoying frequent, torrid sex. But over time, one person or both stop feeling such an urgent need for sex, even when they continue to love their partner and value the relationship - and continue to masturbate. A loss of sexual energy can also be caused by school or job pressures, financial problems, family issues, children, or other stressors.
If you believe that a lover's masturbation is interfering with your partner sex, we suggest discussing the issue, and if necessary getting some help from a sex therapist.